


within the darkness i traced your back (i remember that outline so clearly)

by dracometria



Category: TOMORROW X TOGETHER | TXT (Korea Band)
Genre: Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Car Accident, Ex-Boyfriends, Kissing, M/M, Messy Breakup, The Huenings Love Choi Soobin, Tiếng Việt | Translation in Vietnamese, resolved amnesia, sookai
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-03-22
Updated: 2020-03-22
Packaged: 2021-02-28 18:00:09
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,689
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23261350
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/dracometria/pseuds/dracometria
Summary: Soobin has always thought the worst thing that could happen was remembering all of the pain of that day. He's wrong. It's forgetting that's more cruel.
Relationships: Choi Soobin/Huening Kai
Comments: 17
Kudos: 105





	within the darkness i traced your back (i remember that outline so clearly)

**Author's Note:**

> **rui has translated this in vietnamese too 🥺 i'm so grateful to her!!! here's the[link](https://www.wattpad.com/story/235607040) **
> 
> fic predominately written to lemon by kenshi yonezu
> 
> written in one sitting and i'll be upset if some of you don't cry bc i cried while writing this, i'm not good with angst
> 
> inspired by [this](https://archiveofourown.org/works/23235562) fic

No moment of panic in Soobin’s life comes close to what he feels when he receives the text from Lea. He’s at the hospital in less than ten minutes. It’s hell trying to find Kai’s room, and the nurse curtly informs him that they’re only permitting immediate family to visit for now.

When Lea finds him and tells the nurse, _“He’s family,”_ he almost breaks down then and there. 

“How is he?” 

Lea looks like how he feels. “He doesn’t need surgery, but he’s not waking up.” Her eyes brim with fresh tears. “They say he’s in a coma.” 

Soobin wraps his arms around her in a tight hug; she trembles like a leaf against him. 

“He’ll be okay,” Soobin says through the lump forming in his throat. “He always pulls through.” 

Lea cries harder, hand clenching in his shirt.

* * *

Soobin braces himself, but he still feels winded at the sight of Kai. He’s so— _pale,_ with the oxygen mask and bandages around his head, all washed out in the hospital light. 

“Soobin-ssi,” he hears Nabil call out, and before he knows it, he’s enveloped in a hug by the only man he knows who’s taller than him. 

“Nabil-ssi,” Soobin says, voice cracking. It’s been so long. “I’m sorry I’m here, I’ll leave as soon as he wakes up—” 

“Nonsense,” Kai’s father says, rubbing his shoulder reassuringly. “We all missed you, son.” His voice softens as he looks at Kai. “All of us.” 

Soobin blinks back tears as Bahiyyih comes up to hug him, then Kai’s stepmother. 

“How have you been?” Nabil asks, and Soobin doesn’t try to hide his grimace. 

“Been better.”

_It’s not the same without him._

* * *

Some time during the second night, Soobin feels Kai’s finger twitch. The nurse who comes and checks advises that it happens sometimes and it doesn’t necessarily mean the patient is regaining consciousness. 

Soobin hates that she refers to Kai as a patient, even though it’s the truth.

He falls asleep like he does the first night, uncomfortably in his chair and holding Kai’s hand. 

* * *

Soobin wakes up on the third morning to Kai petting his hair. 

“K-Kai?” 

“Soobinie,” Kai says affectionately, and it’s so jarring that Soobin almost pulls away. “Head hurts,” he whines. “And my mouth is really dry. What happened?” 

“Let me call the nurse,” Soobin says. He’s the only one in the room; the Huenings aren’t due for another two hours, according to the clock. “You were in an accident.” 

“Oh,” Kai breathes. “My fault?” 

“No baby,” Soobin says, freezing. _Shit._ Even after all these months, he can’t— 

But Kai looks relieved instead of angry. “Thank goodness.” 

Soobin stands up to get some water and to push the call button, but Kai weakly holds on. 

“Don’t let go,” he says. Soobin can still read in between the lines. _Stay. I’m scared._

“Okay,” Soobin says, even though his heart shatters all over again. It requires some creative maneuvering on his part, but he manages to call the nurse and get the water bottle for Kai. 

“Be careful,” he fusses as Kai attempts to sit up.

“Be careful,” Kai mimics jokingly, but he lets Soobin help him drink from the water bottle. 

The nurse shows up soon after that, and Kai looks like he’s about to tear up when Soobin lets go of his hand. Against his better judgment, he leans in to kiss his forehead. 

“It’ll be alright,” he murmurs. “I’m just going to be outside. I need to call your family.” 

It feels like he’s abandoning him all over again.

He steps outside when the nurse begins her examination. Nabil picks up immediately—he guesses none of them were really getting much sleep. After the Huenings arrive, he leaves, like he initially planned. Kai wouldn’t want him here. The only reason why he’s not demanding Soobin leave right now is because the accident must have left him a little bit confused. As soon as he fully sobers up from all the pain medication he’s on, Kai would hate that Soobin was even here in the first place.

When Kai’s family arrives, he bids them farewell, even though they beg for him to stay. He no longer has a place with them, no matter how wonderful they are to him. 

Except Lea grabs his arm as he’s about to leave the lobby. 

“Soobin-oppa,” she says, “Please. You need to stay.” She’s breathing heavily from having to catch up with him. “Kai—he thinks it’s March 4th.” 

Soobin flinches.

March 4th is when they broke up. 

It’s June 4th now. It’s been three months.

* * *

Soobin’s head is spinning. There’s so much to process—traumatic brain injury, concurrent anterograde and retrograde amnesia, and the doctor’s advice not to shock Kai unless absolutely necessary, citing that it could traumatize him further or lengthen his recovery period. 

“It’s up to you, son,” Nabil says heavily. “We know it’s been hard on the both of you.” 

“Please,” Bahiyyih says. “You don’t know what he’s been like.” Nabil frowns. 

“Bahi, don’t pressure him.” 

“I—I’ll help,” Soobin says, because he’s weak, he’s always been weak whenever Kai is concerned. He’s not embarrassed when he cries when they pull together for a group hug, Huening-style. 

* * *

“He refuses to talk to us about you,” Lea says suddenly. They’re in the middle of moving Soobin’s belongings back to the apartment. Kai has kept largely everything the same, and Soobin doesn’t know how to feel about that. “You know how he is when he bottles everything up. All this time, he hasn’t said a single word about you.” 

“Sorry,” Soobin says. “It was my fault.” 

Lea smiles bitterly. “Stop thinking like that. I know some of it is because of my idiot baby brother.” She looks around and sighs. “Be good to him. I’m always here if you need my help,” she says, and Soobin knows she means well, even though she lives hours away. 

In Kai’s room, Soobin finds a face-down photo frame of them. He rights it so that it’s back in its original position. It still ends up looking slightly crooked.

He wonders why Kai has kept it all this time.

* * *

Soobin doesn’t fully grasp how monumental his task is until he brings Kai to their— _his_ —apartment. The second the door locks behind them, Kai kisses him, insistent and impatient, hands sneaking under his shirt. Soobin helplessly responds back, fingers threading in Kai’s hair, though he’s careful to be gentle. 

“Mmn—Soobinie, please?” 

Then he’s reminded that the Kai he knows wouldn’t have wanted this. That even though he’s supposed to play along, he shouldn’t let himself be hurt anymore than he has to. 

“Baby, did you already forget what the doctor said?” Soobin then freezes, realizing his poor choice of wording. 

Kai laughs instead, and it’s just been so long since Soobin has seen him happy like this that he can’t help but stare in awe, knowing that it’ll all slip away eventually. 

“Very funny,” he says, his eyes crinkling adorably, achingly familiar and devastating all at once. “I’ll leave everything up to you then, Soobinie! I’m gonna pick out a movie.” He bounces over to the couch, flopping over the giant stuffed bunny plush Soobin had gifted him on their first anniversary. 

He found Tobin in Kai’s bedroom when he first came over. He guesses that Kai’s love of plushies overrode his hate for him. 

“What do you want to eat, Hyuka?” Soobin asks as he unpacks the several weeks worth of food Kai’s family had left for them. 

“Whatever you want is fine,” Kai says distractedly. “Wanna watch Frozen 2?” 

Kai had already watched Frozen 2 with Taehyun and Beomgyu. Without him.

“Sure,” he says a beat too late, and Kai turns to pout at him from the couch. 

“We don’t have to watch it if you don’t want to. I know you prefer action movies.” 

“No, it’s fine,” Soobin says. _It’s not fine, nothing is._ “I’ll make some popcorn.” The popcorn bags are in the same cabinet they’ve always been in. 

* * *

Before Soobin leaves for work, he makes sure all of the reminder notes are securely attached. He tells Kai to order takeout if he’s hungry and to set an alarm for himself when he does so he doesn’t forget; it’s better than risking a kitchen fire. He’s also banned from lighting any candles or letting the water run for a bath. Soobin has placed a myriad of red sticky notes for those areas to remind Kai to stay away. 

And then, because he knows Kai would appreciate it, and because he would have done so in the past—he leaves notes full of hearts and _I-love-yous_ around the apartment as well. 

The first time he returns home from work, Kai ambushes him with a hug and too many kisses. 

“I love you,” Kai says after he determines that Soobin has received enough of his affection. 

Soobin doesn’t want to mean it, but he does. “I love you too.”

* * *

In fact, he calls Lea the third night after he makes sure Kai is asleep, sobbing on the phone that _no, he can’t do this, he can’t handle his heart being broken like this again._

Lea urges him to be strong, to hang in there. She apologizes for being selfish, but Soobin knows that in the end, it’s him. He’s the selfish one.

* * *

They have to sleep together, of course, and when Kai curls up against him, fitting against him perfectly like he’s meant to, Soobin sometimes lapses back to when everything was real. Before he fucked everything up. 

* * *

Even though the regular days are already difficult enough, Kai still has three months of memories to recover. The days where he clutches his head painfully and remembers fragments are the worst, because he always looks so confused after when he tries to piece it all together. 

Soobin both dreads and can’t wait for the day Kai looks at him with betrayal and hurt and disgust, so he can finally be done. 

The longer Soobin stays, the more he can’t deny the fact that he still loves Kai, and that he’s never gotten over him. 

* * *

“You look better these days,” Yeonjun comments. The other two have taken Kai to the studio to see what he remembers of their project. 

“Do I?” Soobin buries his face in his hands, trying to hold back his tears, because fuck, he feels like crying is all he’s been doing lately. “He looks so happy. I feel so bad for lying to him. He wouldn’t want this if he didn’t have fucking amnesia. God, _fuck_ amnesia and car accidents and that drunk fucker.” 

Yeonjun rubs his back soothingly. “He still makes you happy.” 

Salt hits Soobin’s lips, and he frustratedly wipes a hot tear away. “Yes.” 

“Isn’t that enough, for now?” Yeonjun asks softly. “When it comes time to talk, I believe in you two.” 

“Everything’s a lie, though.” Soobin sniffs. 

“Are your feelings a lie?” 

“No…” 

“Then just focus on that, Soobinie. Remember, we’re all here for you.” 

Soobin sometimes doesn’t know if he deserves all of the support he’s gotten.

* * *

“Soobinie?” 

Soobin turns around, eyebrows furrowing at Kai’s tone. He sounds—almost teary? But Kai never cries, except for when—

He can’t even think about it.

Kai is wearing one of Soobin’s larger sweaters, its long sleeves pulled over most of his fingers. He’s fidgeting with the edge of the sweater, which is something he only tends to do when he’s anxious. Soobin pauses his dishwashing and quickly dries his hands before caressing Kai’s cheek. 

“What’s wrong, baby?” He so badly wants to hold Kai tightly in his arms; he looks so defenseless and vulnerable. He wants to fix everything for him. He wants to kiss him on the forehead and tell him everything will be alright. He wants to stay and whisper he loves him, until Kai will believe it as an unconditional truth. 

He just can’t indulge himself like that.

“Did I do something wrong? Kai asks in a small voice. 

“No?” Soobin says in disbelief. “Why would you think that?” _You’re perfect. You’ve always been too good for me._

Kai is sniffling—oh god, he is _actually_ sniffling—Soobin admittedly freaks out a little bit, because that means Kai is probably close to crying and Soobin would quite literally rather be in any other situation.

“You just don’t? Um…” Kai plays with his sleeves, still refusing to look at him. “I mean, you don’t kiss me a lot anymore? Or touch me at all. And I know you love me, _I know,_ but…” he flounders. “It’s always me starting things, maybe you don’t find me attractive anymore? Or did I do something else—” 

Soobin tells himself he does it because he can’t bear Kai thinking that he’s _unattractive,_ of all things, he tells himself that he’s just reassuring Kai as he backs him against the kitchen counter, lips slanted against his and thumbs pressing against the sensitive skin on the edge of Kai’s hip. 

“You’re ridiculous,” Soobin says as he mouths against Kai’s neck, and he hates himself for crossing one more line, but what can he do, _what can he do._ “You’re beautiful.” 

Kai makes a pleased noise underneath him, and Soobin shuts his eyes and pretends he’ll be alright after this.

* * *

There’s a line he won’t cross, but it’s getting harder and harder to deny Kai, because when the little minx sets his mind on things, he can be _very_ convincing. 

There’s one night where Kai seems to see straight through him. 

Kai turns over, lips red from kissing. “You’re not hiding anything from me, right?” 

“No,” Soobin says, heart aching because what’s one more lie? “I love you so much.” 

For the briefest moment, Kai looks uncertain. Then: “I love you too.”

* * *

Kai doesn’t usually touch Soobin’s phone, it’s a different model than his and a bit confusing to navigate. But today Soobin must have left it behind before running his morning errands, so Kai curiously picks it up, blushing at what he sees when he inputs his birthday as the password and it unlocks. It’s a cute picture of him sleeping with Tobin. 

Kai grins as he opens his messages. Time for a little prank… 

His brow furrows when he sees a group chat between his closest friends without him. His smile drops when he scrolls through the latest conversation.

**Choi Beomgyu**

When are you planning to tell him, hyung?

Kai-ya looks really happy these days, like he used to…

You both do, really

**Choi Soobin**

I don’t know

I don’t know when his memory is supposed to return

They haven’t told me to stop… 

I want to. 

I can’t do this anymore.

**Kang Taehyun**

Hang in there hyung… 

**Choi Yeonjun**

He’s gotten a lot of his memories back, hasn’t he? 

He’ll probably be okay if you tell him now 

**Choi Soobin**

I don’t want to…

He drops Soobin’s phone on the coffee table, collapsing onto the couch as he pieces things together, and finally—everything finally makes sense. Soobin is not in any of his recent memories because he wasn’t there. The depressing lyrics he found in his studio were written by him after they broke up. The reason why the photo frame of them on the nightstand is slightly crooked is because he’d slammed it against the wall, never quite able to bring himself to throw it away; because no matter how hard he tried, he still couldn’t get over his first love. 

It also explains why Soobin isn’t as affectionate as he remembers and why he never went beyond kissing him. 

He stifles a sob, because he’s not going to cry over Soobin again, _he’s not._ But even as he tries to convince himself, he can feel tears wet his cheeks. Why didn’t anyone tell him? All of his friends and family had kept it a secret from him… 

He’s not something fragile they had to protect, he thinks viciously as he rips a piece of paper from a notebook. 

_Don’t look for me,_ he inks deeply in permanent marker.

He stares at the wet stain left by a teardrop, and he decides he doesn’t care. It’s not like Soobin cared either. He can’t believe Soobin dared to come back. He hates himself for believing Soobin every time he said _I love you,_ as if he hadn’t been lying the whole time. He hates his heart for loving him still.

_I’m pathetic._

_It felt so real..._

* * *

Soobin feels heavy from his conversation with the others. He’s barely been by his apartment ever since he moved in with Kai again, this is only his third visit in two months. This time, he’s here for something specific. 

It’s a difficult feeling to explain. Every day, he thinks about Kai recovering his memories, but at the same time, he tries to avoid thinking of the consequences. 

It’s why he’s here now, reaching inside his desk for the small box he couldn’t quite ever return. 

_Do you love me?_

If Kai asked him this question now, Soobin knows the answer starkly contrasts what he’d said all those months ago. 

It’s not like he didn’t love Kai back then, he had just been so confused and anxious and needed some time to examine his feelings; but things had escalated so fast, and Kai had asked him that devastating question and—Soobin had phrased it poorly, to put it lightly. It was something he regretted every day. 

He knows he should be the one to tell Kai, but he doesn’t want to hurt him all over again, to make him remember. He doesn’t want to lose what they have right now, but he also knows that Kai doesn’t deserve this poor imitation of their relationship. 

Soobin sighs and pockets the box. He should get back before Kai wakes up.

* * *

Kai has been holding the door handle for the past ten minutes. He’d been so determined to leave, to stomp out, to go to either his friends or his family and yell at them, because how _could_ they subject him to this again. 

All he’s managed to do is cry more, tears wetting the hoodie he’s wearing. Even worse, it’s one of Soobin’s. (But it smells nice because it smells like Soobin, and he can’t bring himself to change.) 

He sags against the door. His friends and family wouldn’t hurt him on purpose, not when they knew the state he’d been in for the months after the breakup. He debates whether or not he wants to talk to Soobin today or wait until he’s calmed down a bit.

Soobin makes that decision for him when he opens the door, eyes widening when he sees Kai’s tear-streaked face. Kai must look like he’s ready to bolt, because Soobin hurriedly shuts the door behind him and begs, “Please don’t leave.” 

“You,” Kai says, stepping backwards. “Were you pretending this whole time?” 

“No, god no,” Soobin says, voice breaking, and against his better judgment, Kai feels relieved. 

“Tell me the truth,” Kai says, lips wobbling. “Because you said you weren’t hiding anything from me, but you were lying.” 

“The only thing I didn’t tell you was that we broke up,” Soobin says, and they both flinch at the memory. “It’s true that you thought it was March 4th. The doctor said it might be better for your recovery if you weren’t shocked with anything traumatic, so your family asked me to pretend that we were still together until you remembered everything on your own.” 

“So you only did it because they asked you,” Kai says flatly, face smoothing out in practiced neutrality, just like that day. 

“Yes and no,” Soobin says, and it’s now or never. “They didn’t give me the chance to offer. But Hyuka, I was wrong last time,” he says, hand clutching around the box in his pocket. “I was scared. I just needed a bit more time, but everyone was pressuring me and...I really, truly did love you when you asked,” he said, withdrawing the box. “I just wanted to be sure before I gave this to you. The answer I need to give you is _yes,_ Hyuka,” and his voice is shaking and he feels the roll of a tear down his cheek but he powers through, “Yes, I love you. Forever and more.” 

Kai stills when he sees the box, because no— _that couldn’t be…_ They stay locked like that until Kai tentatively walks forward, and suddenly the distance already seems too much so he runs the rest of it until he’s in Soobin’s arms. 

“Can you say it again,” Kai asks in a small voice.

Soobin wipes the tears on his face away with his thumb, kissing all the wet spots after. “I love you so much. I want to be with you forever.” 

Kai huffs when Soobin doesn’t kiss him on the lips and takes it upon himself to make out messily with his—fiancé?—against the door. 

“Now get down on your knees,” Kai teases, and Soobin’s mind blanks until he realizes his intentions.

“Kai Kamal Huening,” he says, opening the ring box, “I love you. Will you marry me?” 

Kai examines the rings. “Hmm, I guess they’ll do.” Soobin glares at him, but his gaze softens when Kai giggles and extends his hand. “Hurry, put it on!”

Soobin thinks sliding on that ring has to be his happiest memory by far.

* * *

_Extra_

“I think we should prank them back.” 

Soobin glances at Kai, a little worried about how serious he sounds. “What do you mean?” 

Kai pouts as he looks at his finger. “It’s too pretty to take off though…” 

Soobin’s eyes widen. “You wouldn’t. I already told my parents.” 

“Well hurry and tell them to keep it a secret,” Kai says, unlocking his phone and tossing it to him. “I need to get back at everyone for keeping me in the dark.” 

“It was because everyone was worried about you, babe,” Soobin groans, but he does what his fiancé wants anyway. 

“Well technically, you _are_ my ex-boyfriend,” Kai says. 

Soobin’s sigh is long-suffering.

**Author's Note:**

> [twt](https://twitter.com/yourcutiekai) & [ask](https://curiouscat.me/dracometria) >3<♡
> 
> i've been working hard on the [sookai hp au](https://archiveofourown.org/works/23141146/chapters/55379266) so i wanted to take a quick break from it! i said i would update it once a week, but really it's been like once every four days hehe 
> 
> i hope you enjoyed this, i stand by what i've said earlier, i'm not cut out for angst ٩( ᐛ )و let me know what you think because it's my first angst 🥺💔


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